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I`m proud, almost happy, super lonely and in desperate need of tenderness. But Perwoll will help me.
Back on track. You`ll see it!
-D

A getaway

Sometimes I'm asking myself what is the purpose of this particular blog and how frequent it has to be updated. Early this week a company, where I'm working had it's annual conference. As some might know, I'm engaged in lifestyle  So all the people from 6 countries gathered in Jurmala, where we talked about many things including social media, My Norwegian co-worker said that if a blog is not updated daily it has no meaning. I was puzzled by this for a while and then I disagreed with her, saying that it depends on the purpose of blog. Yes, indeed it is, to create a content sometimes is hard, and sometimes you have nothing to share or say, so why to spam then. Besides I'm tired of whining that it's hard to blog daily without my precious BlackBerry! It is, what it is and let's just hope that soon I will find a solution to blog more often. WHATEVER!
Now let's switch to the more exciting part.
Last few weeks were full of events and quite stressy for me - we had the company's conference, office redecoration, and some other stuff which annoys you. I was tired emotionally and had a feeling that I need a getaway at least for one day. Last Sunday I chatted with a friend of mine, who has moved to Tallinn for studies. We were talking that it would be super nice if I'd come to visit him and he actually invited to stay at his place - so accommodation and nice company was already granted, then few days later I booked a bus ticket to Tallinn, 33.60 LVL round trip in a bus which has super spacious seats, WIFI (now I'm on a way back to Riga and writing this postr) all the way and luxe feeling. Check http://www.luxexpress.eu for more information.
Usually when I'm travelling, even for a short time, I'm taking at least 3 outfits, and two pair of shoes. Fashionistas and hipsters will understand me. This trip was only for two days and one night so I went for something new to me, which looked like two cardigans, black leggings, super cool black pants with black satin stripes, which I rediscovered in a supplementary wardrobe, one pair of black shoes, and two grey t-shirt in fact two outfits, which anyway coupled with my camera, beauty bag and laptop made my Longchamp extra heavy.

little celebration

Yesterday I got new undies from H&M, which were so cool, that I wanted to share with the world how cool they are. Today I woke up and first thing I did was a self portrait in my new fake denim undies. When I uploaded this picture I was pleasantly surprised, and not by how cute these undies are, but that my body got a little bit ripped! Remember I was writing about having lots of sport and it's impact on your mental state? So when you have some obvious evidences that what you are doing, actually has a result, it surely makes you feel better.

resigned hipster

What a week, I must say - last weekend was so different emotionally and physically, that it will take a while to recall it all and I'm going to give it a try, besides I'm very interested in restoring all the detail and that emotional path, because it might help someone with the same issues like me.

Devastation
Whole working days I felt devastated and a bit frustrated. Why? Well because it still was hard to put up with my loneliness and the feeling that I'm totally unattractive and not really useful creature. Sorely I was getting better and at some point I was so tired that heavy feeling, which was quite destructive too. Human's brain is a miracle - it always helps you to find a way out of depressing situations, a cure for intoxicating thoughts, however it's voice is weak, which could be easily silenced by your own self-pity.
 Luckily I got offered a job - to host some charity event. At first I wasn't really sure if I'm willing to do it. I had already some previous experience of event hosting, but still there were some doubts, which vanished away, when I met my co-host Ilona Jahimovich, which is one famous radio-presenter who gave me confidence. As this event took place on Saturday, clearly I didn't partied on the eve so I woke up all fresh and full of energy. The event was fun, we were rising money for poor kids of Latvian countryside, which is a good cause by all meanings. As a host I got a lot of attention, which, I must admit, was quite pleasant. After returning home, I bought a bottle of nice secco and went to ma best friend's place to celebrate my little success. Then we went to one of my favourit places Dorian Gray, where we had some more drinks. My original plan was to go home, but NO, I had to go to that bloody club, which made me feel worst again.
Analysing it now, I can tell that in spite of that good energy which I got from that event hosting and good talk with my friend, it all faded away in the club. because I had a feeling that I'm not needed, not desired. So, naturally, I had yet again another wave of tears and drama. It's now looks to me so funny, as I'm writing it now, but believe me, last Saturday's night I was the most unhappy person in Riga. What a bullocks!

hosting that event. photo via intelligent.lv

Tired of dramas

Well, I promised to tell some details about last Friday's night, when some drama happened and about alcohol and desperation. I've been thinking about alcohol a lot lately, not like that I have some mega issues with it but still it might get a bit ugly sometimes and I came to the following thought - there's no point in drinking, when you don't get drunk - few G&T won't make you feel any different, meanwhile 2 LIIT polished by couple of bubbly Kir Royal does it all. Few years ago, when I was completely happy with my life and there were no concerns I could get drunk happily whit out any further drama. Somehow last 2 years there's something not right in my life. I mean yes, I'm healthy, settled and many will not understand me, but when it comes to my personal life....ehm let's put it that way, it's not exactly what I wanted. So now, when I get drunk - I get depressed and I feel like nobody understands me, I become easily offended and may be rude to people around me, then I get even more drunk, that I cannot control myself, desperately looking for "love" which turns out as an ugly ONS and as an outcome a severe moral hangover. Almost these kind of things accrued  last Friday.

at nice cappuccino bar/ art gallery FLAT in Riga drinking LIIT, which later turned out as a big mistake

be somebody who I'm really not

I wanted to write a post about addiction, desperation for fun and alcohol, but right now I cannot find proper words to describe what I think and feel about this topic. So in stead, I suggest you to watch latest video by my favourite artist, who's every singe is a statement, M.I.A. Her song "XXXO" reflects my present mood perfectly, especially after last night's drama (details soon).



I'm staying home tonight. Good night!


Dee for ED

single not lonely

First of all, I'd like to say thank you to all my friends, who supported me, yesterday. After publishing my previous post, I got few phone calls and around 10 comment, saying that they understand me, and can offer me a helping hand. I appreciate that very much. I wouldn't say, that I'm much more better now, but yesterday I was ready to seen people and interact with'em. One couple called me last night and invited me to a home party, where we had some beer, which was totally earned, as i had Body Pump and Body balance work out in my gym.  By the way, I'm drinking (read: get drunk) now less, than I used to... ehmmm . When I'm drunk I tend to get depressed and upset. So, to avoid that drama and misunderstanding from friends side, I decided not to get drunk - few drinks maybe, but not more. Few hours of gossiping and laughing followed by a hilarious film titled "A Rainha Diaba" ("The Devil Queen" 1974). OMG this film is about Brazilian black gay drag-queen, who is also a head of drug dealers. This cheesy-burlesque-farce is a definitely A-MUST-SEE.